We go our whole lives searching for the one that completes us. We long for the link that is missing and pray for the reason to make sense of all this. But the only thing for certain is a love between two distant worlds is forbidden. We heave from silencing the passion that bears within our chest. Our hands shake from pulling away from our desires. Our lips parched from the secrets that drains us barren. And then he spoke.

His words struck so powerful that it severed the law that divides us.

“I’m falling for you…”

My confession of identical feelings ignited destiny to rewrite it’s plans. What once was a dead end now has a future. What used to be a lost cause is now filled with purpose. To think about the lives we had to touch, the ones we had to lose, the steps we had to take, and all the choices and sacrifices we had to make throughout our entire life led us to this very moment. The present is a gift. The butterfly effect was good to us.

The choices we make today will pave the journey for tomorrow. Only fools can tell what the future hold. But come what may, united we will stand.

When I think of where I am today, I’m always taken back to where I began. And it all began with Stephanie Irwin. I was the cliche bad boy who rolled with the popular kids: young, restless, fearless… dumb. She was the sweetheart at the top of our class. The one adored by so many teachers. The one that always turned in her homework. The one who earned it all. The one with skin of a porcelain doll. The one with eyes so blue like a clear summer sky that makes me forget that it’s winter. The one that I made cry so many times from bullying her. The one that forgave me, understood me, and just loved without condition. Life took us in separate directions, but we both went on to become dancers and posed in front of cameras as models, our lives almost paralleled in an alternate universe.

Then there was the Valentine sweetheart, Marcos Pacheco. The first day we met on Valentine’s Day was the day that I boldly asked him to date me. “I want you to know that I’ve never been with a boy before…” As he hesitated to accept my proposition. I swayed him with my romantic charm, sidestepped until I swept him off his feet and watched his fears dissipate in the cold empty movie theater. The movie played for just the two of us. But as with any movie, the ending is inevitable. Sometimes the ending makes you laugh, sometimes it makes you cry, but sometimes it makes you realize something was missed and you wish you could rewind.

The clock never ticks backward, only forward. Destiny certainly has an ironic way of serving purpose on a silver platter. Just when I’ve resigned myself to the disappointments of the world, the universe sent a knock at my door… Literally. He’s an alien from another planet. His hair like a raging fire lighting up the midnight skies, eyes so blue but never-ending like the hope to uncover a lost world submerged under the depths below, and scars of countless war wounds… both visible on the surface and beyond skin deep. A beautiful creature with his own mysteries to explore.

What started as a platonic expedition has begun to manifest into something far more meaningful than ever foreseen. We cleaned up the mess from his crashed spaceship over wine and Aerosmith. He began to confide his voyages in me, where he came from and where he’s headed, while resting in the safety of my arms. He’s filled with so much excitement, joy, hope, wonder, optimism and even fear. He reminds me of a young me. Chris Isaak appropriately serenades us with ‘Wicked Game’ in the air as our breathing slowed to a unison. That song replays in my head over and over every time I think of him. A good night hug turned into a brief slow dance that I had to break away from.

No matter how much I try not to crash, but we still collide. Last night he recited Shakespeare to me from memory. It sent a chill down my spine and ignited a spark within my soul. But I made him promise not to fall in love with me. “I know what falling feels like and this is not it,” as he whispered into my ear. Fair enough and very valid, but it’s always the aftermath that gets us. Sometimes, we don’t realize that we have already fallen until it’s over. We sit in the driveway hesitating to turn the key and we don’t know why, but we eventually do and we keep on driving because we have to.

Two different species from two foreign worlds are forbidden according the the laws of the universe. You can only keep the ones who wants to stay and he’s not meant to remain here. This is not a time for selfishness as the time we have are limited. I will be a resource of knowledge, truth, understanding, a friend and will allow nothing more. I must draw the boundary here and cross no further as I am the one that knows better. When the time comes for his departure and return him to the universe, I must ensure a painless goodbye. We normally don’t realize the one that got away until they’re gone, but in my case, it’s realized when he is still here… Like finding a rainbow at the wrong time.

My body is rapidly changing: my chest is bigger, shoulders are broader, and arms are fuller. Last Monday, I celebrated achieving weight gain of 130.8 Lbs of lean muscle. As my body changes, I have found so has my interactions with people and the way I am approached and treated. People who used to never give me the time of day are now noticing me. People who claim ingenuity are mostly just genuinely interested in mind games to get below the waist. I find it difficult to invest trust in a promiscuous world that achieves superficial gratification by deceit. I’ve failed at many things in life, but I refuse to fail as a human being.

I’ve grown tired of having these “intelligent conversations” which seems to be a popular criteria for most people. I’ve found that all these conversations from politics to technology has something in common: They all lack personality, individuality, connection… life. When did we as humanity determined that by memorizing and regurgitating lifeless facts to one another is attractive in itself? Those who know are wise. Those who know themselves are enlightened. Knowledge without wisdom is like a boat on dry land.

Relationships are based on shared common interests. Lately, I find that my relationships with some has become quite fragile. I no longer drink, at all… period. You’d think that such a small thing shouldn’t alter a relationship, but it does more than one would like to admit. Mostly in the gay community, bonding is done over licking some imaginary wound as you fill up on enough alcohol until it dries out the tears that formed behind your eyes before you started telling your stories. I find refuge from all the social letdowns of the world through consistent, gradual, and positive progression in my fitness achievements. As I watch myself morph from a state of weakness to an affirmation of strength, I wonder, what impact would it have on the world if the same discipline, dedication, and strict morals used to achieve positive change in oneself were applied?

Shawn and I press the heavy weights today and we tore my chest apart! My chest is certainly tighter, fuller, and more engaged. We had discussions about competitions since there are a lot of competing body builders that trains at the studio. He told me that I would qualify to compete for Men’s Body Building Physique. Physique is not pro heavy weight body building contest, but it certainly is entry level in competing. It’s quite self explanatory. You’re judged on your physique as opposed to the massive meat and veins popping out of your body. I tossed it around in my head for fun, but I want to achieve my goals in January before I consider competing for anything. Besides, just because I would technically qualify, don’t mean that I have what it takes to win or go up against the big dogs who have been training all their life. Certainly, it will probably triple the work, weights, supplements, food to be locked, loaded and ready for a competition. I don’t want to jump into anything until I know what it’s going to take to win. Otherwise, why compete at all? Ambition without knowledge is like a boat on dry land. The idea of competing is entertaining, but it feels good to know that I actually qualify for something!

So it looks like this year Timineri and I will be at Tsui’s for Thanksgiving again. I will be crashing at Timineri’s new place and Yoshi is coming along with during this trip. Since it’s last minute, I don’t have anyone to look after Yoshi for a couple of days. It’ll be his first trip to the city. He’s so excited!

Not a whole lot went on this weekend besides recover from being under the weather and catching up on chores. All I dealt with was just assholes and flakes. I’d been talking to a few guys and most of them have been hitting me up either for friendships or possibility of dating and they all are flakes one after another. They either can’t set a date to meet in stone or set a meeting with me then stop responding. Note to all you douche bags: “Man up and don’t waste my fuckin’ time!”

Happy Holidays!

The weekend before, I was organizing my closet and purposely ignored the packages on the floor that Barton has sent me. They sat there still unopened for lord knows how long… weeks? months? I do not know why I closed the closet door behind me when there was no one else in the house, but I did. I sat down and opened the packages in the order that they were received. The first out of a tube was a beautiful decorative fan with a tiger hand painted on it. Barton never liked the fan I had for my house. We came across this fan a while back in China Town and we both liked it. It occurred to me that he must have made this purchase after we broke up. The second box I opened had a shot glass from South Carolina. Not too long after we broke up, he had mentioned that his aunt will be visiting him from North Carolina and he has asked her to bring me a shot glass for my collection. Before I opened the last box, I had a feeling of what was in it and that it will be the last box I’ll ever receive from Barton. I quickly tore it apart to get it over with. Inside was my sweater, my bracelet, some socks, my tank top, underwear and some of my swim suits. Everything that I used to purposely left at his place so that I could keep coming back has been returned to me.

I feel like King Midas at the top of my thrown with everything I could ever want lifelessly at my feet. It has been less than 24hrs since Timineri left Sacramento to his new home in San Francisco and this castle is now mine to rule. I’d been awake since 4AM. I can blame it on the rainy weather, but the halls seems darker, the air feels colder, the surroundings much cleaner… because of so, this castle seems to lack it’s charm.

Nothing in my life as of lately has been satisfying to me. I weighed myself at work last Friday and I gained additional muscle mass. I now weigh 129.4 Lbs. That’s 6 Lbs. gain since I started out weighing barely 123 Lbs. three months ago. I’ve worked very hard and it seems meeting goal of 10 Lbs. of lean gain is achievable and is now in plain sight, however, I now won’t settle for just meeting goal. I want to exceed my target. I now belong to an exclusive professional body building gym: Studio 25 that will help me focus, develop and target my goals better. Same trainer, better facility.

I’d been lonely lately. I had thought that I wanted to get back into dating again. I dabbled here and there, but nothing have seemed to stick as of yet. I met a few nice guys and they tell me all about them as if they think I don’t know them at all, but for the most part I do. People tell us who they are, but we don’t listen because we want them to be something else. I realized that what I’m searching for isn’t exactly a relationship, but a connection… companionship.

We’re flawed because we want so much more. We’re ruined because we get these things and wish for what we had.

Winter is finally here and I don’t like the cold. It brings me back to that one night when my father beat me nearly half to death when I was 5 years old and tossed me out the door. My mother tried to protect me, but she too did not escape the wrath of his fist. I recall not caring about the fact that my entire body was covered in bruises from the metal wires he beat me with, that I survived. I banged on the door as hard as I could and begged for my father to let me in because I did not want the monsters to get me. I kept screaming, “Please don’t let the monsters eat me. I’ll be a better son, I promise!” My aching arms grew tired from the banging and my body gave up to the growing pain of the beating. My body curled into a ball as I prayed that if I don’t move, the monsters won’t see me. The door opened as my father dragged me in by the neck and told me, “I’m going to teach you to be a man!” as he continued to beat me. The beating was painful, but I was happy that now I won’t be eaten by monsters.

Shortly after I turned 18 years old, I escaped my parents and relinquished my right to heir after my father. My high school best friend, Rachel and her family took me in. Rachel made it very clear that she was there for me if I wanted to confide in her. I just wanted to dye my hair, stay up late, watch movies, clean her house and did everything but talk about my feelings. She was constantly on me about how I needed to talk. Nobody knows what’s wrong with themselves, but everyone else can see it right away. Our friendship ended because she felt that I didn’t value our relationship enough to confide in her.

I was not raised to display affection. I was taught that emotions are signs of weakness. The concept of silently dealing and addressing emotions within myself has been built, programmed and even literally beaten into me throughout childhood. Every day, I try to remind myself that I must not be the byproduct of my upbringing. I am not always successful.

The events, frustrations, and rants that end up on this blog are very insignificant parts of my life. Things that I still bottle up inside and still can’t find ways to address is my breakup with Barton, the recent suicide fiasco every time I see the scars on my arms, and how I’m quite close to just emotionally snap. I found that my relationship with my trainer possibly have saved my life. I say that with the most honest truth. I look forward to developing physically everyday with him. I found that right now he’s a very strong person for me to lean on and to confide in. I share with him about all my stresses from work to boys, home life to even my past. He intently listens without judgement. Sometimes he’ll have input, sometimes he just offers words of comfort.

Yesterday, I had Korean BBQ with Homo-Sushi. He noticed the scars on my arms and asked me about it. I tried to change the subject, but I ended up sharing my story. It was the first time that I candidly open up about my contact with a razor. He intently listened and he did not judge me when I truthfully said, “I wanted to die.” It felt good to just finally be heard. But even then, I did not fully over indulge him on all of my true thought and feelings.

A person told me once, “You only let people in on a need to know basis. You never give yourself completely.”

Updates on my body building progress: I now weigh 127.2 Lbs. So far, that’s a 4.2 Lbs. lean muscle gain, almost half way to goal. My strength has significantly increased and I have sky rocketed to a 300% recovery rate. Several days ago I did shoulders and I now am lifting a max of 165 Lbs. weights as oppose to 70 Lbs. the week prior. That’s a 90 Lbs. increase in plates! We’re going so heavy in weights to force muscle growth that on last Friday morning as I was typing and talking to some co-workers, I looked down and realized there were small circular spots of bruises all over my arms. I freaked out and for the life of me couldn’t understand how it could have happened when all I could recall from the previous day was work, working on biceps and triceps with Nieman at the gym and then home to sleep. I immediately texted Nieman to see if he could have an explanation. He didn’t respond until early afternoon so I was stuck freaking out all day. He says, “The bruises are from tissue damage that occurred from intense weight training, the soft tissue, and the surrounding muscles are damaged internally. This is not uncommon.” It certainly put my mind at ease.

For the past few weeks, I’ve been having some trialing times with Timineri due to the same ‘ol same ‘ol. Yesterday, he came home intoxicated. I don’t really care if he drinks but he doesn’t understand that after a couple drinks, he starts slurring and wants to talk forever about nothing that makes sense. I had a very long day and I had to shove food down my throat and quickly go to bed to get up early for work on my day off. I certainly was not in the mood for his slurring and my tolerance of being around him after he’s been drinking has gotten less and less. He doesn’t understand that it’s not a pleasant experience to be the sober person around him whether he’s plastered drunk or slightly intoxicated. We of course, had a fight because he got confrontational about my mood and I didn’t want to deal with him so I walked away from him and into my room.

He went out and got plastered of course afterwards. Some trick took him home and I had awoken to the slamming of the car door and loud drunken conversation below my bedroom window. I went back to bed. I woke at 4AM to go to work only to find that every single lights in the entire house was turned on and he fell asleep on the couch. I thought to myself, what a sad and pathetic image. He has a habit of turning on every single lights in the house to show off to these tricks and they don’t even care. This Asian most likely won’t ever even come back again. I did my best to shrug it off and rushed to work.

After work I came home to eat before I headed out to the gym. I did well over 1,000 abs crunches today with barely any struggle. I was rockin’ my abs workout to Kelly Clarkson’s new album when I realized I have lost count and decided to stop. I briefly talked to Nieman and he thought it was quite an amazing improvement. I lifted up my shirt for him to review my abs and he says it’s certainly “tighter.” I came home to change before I went to get a haircut. I gave Timineri the cold shoulder before I left because I was still mad.

I spent the day mostly on my own. As I was eating, I remembered several years ago I hooked up with this guy in his hotel room. I never knew his name. We started to get to know each other before getting down to the dirrty business, which is unusual practice for me when hooking up. I recall he was visiting family from Sacramento. He used to live in Sacramento, but then moved to Las Vegas. He was no longer partnered and only looking for no strings attached fling. We had a very hot session. As I was fucking him, he then said to me, “Make love to me…” I was kinda taken back a bit. He then continued to ask, “Is it possible to make love to a stranger?” I treated that as a rhetorical question and did not respond. I continued to fuck him. After we finished and cleaned up, we parted ways. Several months later, Timineri was showing me some photos on his computer and several pictures of that guy was in Timineri’s photos. I asked who that was and he told me him and his partner are his friends. I told Timineri that I know him and that they’re no longer together. He didn’t ask how I know him and I did not go into detail. I look upon this small gay world with such disdain.

I don’t know why, but sometimes, that experience I’ve had replays in my head. Regardless of what any of us say about not wanting commitment or a relationship and wants only no strings attached, the truth is, deep down somewhere in there we all want to give ourselves away and we all want someone to accept us. Some of us fight it and we often resort to acts of desperation in our loneliest state. Some resort to alcohol, some random strings of hookups, some over working, some excessive time at the gym, and some a combination of all. But even through the isolation we at times subject ourselves to, we’re desperate for a connection. We’re desperate to make contact. We, as humans aren’t meant to be alone.

As I wrapped up dinner, I texted Timineri to tell him that I love him. I didn’t realize how him moving to San Francisco would affect me. It’s all happening so fast and it’s just right before the holidays. He texted me back to tell me he loves me and reassured me that he wasn’t leaving me.

So Timineri’s current company that he’s working for and another firm in San Francisco has been in a bidding war for him. After offers and re-offers, Timineri made the decision to go with the firm in San Francisco. It has always been his desire to move to that city because of it’s enticing life style. My initial reaction is and always will be to support any decision it is that he makes. My primary concern was to help care for the house, find candidates to rent the rooms out to and the logistics of helping him transition to San Francisco. It has been a mentally tiresome process, but my commitment is to my best friend as he was there for me through my transition to New Mexico years ago.

It has been a very long day and I mostly enjoy it with him, but it has also been a very physically trialing day as I did not feel well. We were discussing logistics of roommates, whether or not to have lease agreements, finances and I was trying to share with him my concerns/hardships. The conversation escalated to a a level that it didn’t need to. Timineri has listening issues. This started with him not hearing that I originally stated that we should hold the 3rd renter to a six months lease. I’m sure it was unintentional, but this late in the night and past my bedtime, I completely ran out of patience for it. He then did it again regarding a comment I made about the gym. What irritated me the most is it should have been a quick discussion about logistics and I was going to share with him how I having a trainer guide me to seeing results and having a healthy routine has really helped with my emotional well being. I’m holding a lot of emotions inside and I don’t know how to relieve that. It feels like if I talk about it or acknowledge it that I would just break. Whatever the trainer is doing to guide me to the results I want physically has certainly eased my emotional and mental fragility. I wanted to share with him how I have an emotional delayed reaction to things in life. My first reaction to this whole situation of him moving to another city has been a logistic reaction: taking care of business and getting things done right efficiently and most cost effective. Now that logistically, things are coming full circle, emotionally things are setting in. I already miss him. We’ve spent very little time together as in this home. We barely had our typical Summer and now we’re transitioning into Winter 100 miles apart from each other. He drives me up the walls sometimes, but he’s like a brother to me. I worry about now while he’s here and I certainly will worry when he’s away. But before I could verbalize all this, he goes and fucks it up by taking a conversation into an escalated situation because he doesn’t know how to listen. I’m fuckin’ frustrated.

I would like to write more… However, it’s two hours past my bedtime and I still got to eat then head to bed. Whoever said, “Don’t go to bed mad…” has never had to deal with Timineri.

So many things to talk about! Let’s start off with bad news first. I woke up this morning and got into a car accident. No, not right when I woke up. I decided to go to the gym because I couldn’t sleep any longer. I was quite pissed to find that Timineri’s trick’s car was blocking mine in the drive way. I took Timineri’s keys so I could leave with his car. I thought I had enough clearance when I backed out, but I suppose not when I head the loud boom boom pow scraping noise. I knew I fucked up, so there wasn’t a whole lot else I could do besides continue to go to the gym. No point in making matters worse by waking them up over a scrape.

I returned and worked on MR.net until they woke. I went down to meet the kid. I typically don’t like the people Timineri bring home, but he was a nice kid. I’m sure my guilt persuaded me to think so about him. I came clean and told them what happened. It was an accident and I would pay for the deductible anyways. I certainly felt bad about what has happened, but clearly it was unintentional. I actually felt even more bad when the kid told us that the car is in his dad’s name. Knowing how Asian parents are, I started to actually fear for the kid, hoping his dad isn’t a douche.

Homo-Sushi came to pick me up for lunch. We originally headed to Shoki II for ramen. However, after an excessive wait, we decided to go to my usual Hokkaido noodle house. Homo-Sushi loved it and we scarfed everything down. We finished off with tempera green tea ice cream. Oh how I love my “cheat days”!

There were many things that I discussed with him during our slurping lunch session. One of which was the topic of my past relationship with Barton. I did confess to him that Barton has sent me several packages and one of which arrived several days ago, however, I have yet to open any of them. I don’t know when I ever will. I truly just don’t want to face it, deal with it, address it. I explained to him how I deal with any kind of loss, is like ignore it as if nothing ever happens. I go on about my life as if I’m not affected, but it translates into doing everyday things to an extreme. For example, gym has turned into an obsessive body building marathon.

Tomorrow will be week two of month three. I’m very exciting because supplements will be added and routines will be changing. The fitness manager mentioned to me last week while we were in the bathroom, “Your body is changing!”

Today was back day and I hate back days. I think out of all the muscle groups, the back is the toughest for me to work out. Obviously, it stems from my back problems. However, we were able to increase weights and keep it within the 90 Lbs. to 110 Lbs. range. Not too bad for a fucked up back! There was one back exercise that my trainer had me completely stopped because he did a pulse check to see how my back felt and I told him I felt some “strain.” He told me he didn’t like the sound of that and there’s “plenty of other exercises we could do.” That’s why I love the guy, always safety first.

He will be starting me on a new product next week and this should help me “blow up.” I’m getting more and more obsessed about my body. Everyday I look forward to bulking up and out-doing myself the day before. I haven’t been this obsessed about my body since working at Club Exhale. This time: I’m locked & loaded. Faster… Better… Stronger!